Tone It Down, Heifer
I was talking to someone recently about tone and this whole movement to be "badass, hardcore, tell it like it is without apology" - especially among women. And look, I get where it's coming from. This need to be heard, to exude confidence, to take up space in a world that's told us to shrink.
But I've been wondering... hasn't this just made us all become assholes? Especially online. Has this "no filter" movement just perpetuated the keyboard bully mentality?
The Instagram Tone Wars
I primarily hang out on Instagram these days. I only maintain a Facebook presence because it feels necessary - you know, all those coaching programs that use FB groups as their community platform. But honestly? I hate it. It's visually overwhelming and about 98% advertisements. There's a reason I pay for premium streaming channels - to avoid ads!
But back to my point about tone.
There are two people I follow on Instagram who are similar in content but wildly different in delivery. They're both centered around mental health and personal development. One caters specifically to the neurodivergent crowd, the other to the general population.
Both of them talk about things I flat out do not want to hear a lot of the time. Not because they're wrong or spreading misinformation, but because they force me to look at myself and my behavior in uncomfortable ways. Uncomfortable, but necessary. That's the work, right? That's growth.
But here's what's interesting - what differentiates them is their tone and delivery. And oddly enough, the one who REALLY rubs me the wrong way is the one speaking to the ND crowd. My crowd. My people.
Same Message, Different Impact
Here's what really gets me - two people can share the EXACT same message, the same information, the same advice, and one will have you nodding along while the other makes you want to argue with your phone screen.
Think about it. How many times have you dismissed something from one person, only to hear it from someone else later and think, "Oh wow, that's brilliant!" The message didn't change. The facts didn't change. But suddenly you're ready to hear it.
It's all in the delivery.
I've seen this play out countless times. A therapist might tell you something for months and you resist it. Then a friend says the same thing over coffee, in a different tone, and suddenly it clicks. Or someone shares profound wisdom but they're so preachy about it that you tune out completely. Meanwhile, someone else drops the same truth casually, without the superiority complex, and it changes your life.
The Mirror in Your Feed: Understanding Projection Theory
This whole situation got me thinking about my own tone and how I've never really paid attention to it. Partly because I use up 90% of my energy just trying to get my words out (if you're neurodivergent, you might relate), and partly because we just don't like to look at ourselves honestly.
Which brings me to a concept that, once you understand it, kind of ruins the way you look at people. In a good way. Mostly.
Projection Theory is the idea that we tend to dislike things in other people that we don't want to see - or can't accept - about ourselves.
Let me give you an example: Maybe you find someone really annoying because they're always talking about their feelings. They're just... emotionally everywhere, all the time. But if you look closer at yourself, maybe you've been taught your whole life to shove your own feelings down. So when they're out there spilling all their emotions on the table, it rubs you the wrong way - not because of them, but because of the part of you that wishes you could do the same thing.
Psychologists call this a defense mechanism. Freud originally coined the term "projection," and Carl Jung took it even further with the idea of the shadow self - basically, the parts of ourselves we've rejected or shoved into a closet somewhere. Those traits don't disappear, though. They sneak out through the back door and show up on someone else's face.
But Sometimes People Are Just Assholes
Here's the crucial caveat: Not everything is projection.
I'm not saying every time someone annoys you, it's because you're projecting. That's the kind of pop psychology that makes people want to throw self-help books across the room.
Sometimes people really are:
Condescending
Unnecessarily aggressive
Performatively vulnerable
Genuinely rude
Actually spreading misinformation
Using their platform irresponsibly
Your gut reaction might be spot-on. Your annoyance might be justified. Your boundaries might be healthy.
The Litmus Test: Projection or Justified Irritation?
So how do you tell the difference? Here's what I've found helpful:
Check the intensity: If your reaction feels disproportionate, like you want to throw your phone or you're still thinking about it hours later, that might be projection. If it's more like "yeah, that person's kind of obnoxious" and you move on, it's probably just them.
Look for patterns: Do you keep finding the same type of person annoying across different contexts? That's worth exploring. But if it's just this one specific person who bugs you, they might just be annoying.
Consider the consensus: Are other people also finding this person difficult? Sometimes checking in with friends can help calibrate whether it's a "you thing" or a "them thing."
Notice your body: Projection often comes with a physical sensation - tightness in your chest, heat in your face, that clenched jaw feeling. Simple annoyance is usually less visceral.
My Uncomfortable Mirror Moment
So here's what I did. Today, actually. I went back and forced myself to listen to my latest podcast episode - "Statistically Screwed.”
Let me tell you, I wanted to vomit.
I did NOT like the person I heard talking. She reminded me SO MUCH of that Instagram account I mentioned earlier - the one that rubs me the wrong way. And I HATED IT.
Did the "Statistically Screwed" version of me make good points and provide solid information? Absolutely. Did I want to listen to that arrogant-sounding know-it-all? Absolutely not.
Talk about a mirror moment.
What to Do When You Spot Your Own "Heiferness"
So what can we do when we realize that the thing we can't stand in others might be living rent-free in ourselves? Here's what I'm learning:
1. Pause Before You Judge
When someone's tone or delivery makes you want to unfollow, block, or throw your phone across the room - pause. Take a breath. Ask yourself: "What specifically is triggering me?"
2. Journal It Out
Write about why that person bothers you. Be brutally honest. Let yourself be petty, mean, judgmental - get it all out on paper. Then look at what you wrote and ask: "Where do I do this? Where do I wish I could do this?"
3. Practice Compassionate Curiosity
Instead of "I can't stand how she always..." try "I wonder why it bothers me when she..." This shift from judgment to curiosity can open up surprising insights.
4. Experiment With Your Own Tone
If you hate overly confident people, try being more confident for a day. If emotional people bug you, practice expressing one feeling honestly. It's not about becoming them - it's about understanding why their way of being triggers you.
5. Find the Middle Ground
Maybe that person's tone isn't all bad. Maybe there's something valuable in their approach that you could integrate in your own way. Not their exact style, but the essence of what they're doing.
The Bottom Line
We're all works in progress. We're all projecting something. We're all triggered by something. And that's okay. It's human.
What matters is what we do with that awareness. Do we use it to grow? To understand ourselves better? To develop more compassion - both for others and for ourselves?
Because at the end of the day, the person whose tone bothers you the most might just be showing you the next step in your own evolution. They might be living out loud in a way you've been afraid to try. They might be modeling a freedom you've been denying yourself.
Or they might just be an asshole. That's possible too.
But even if they are, the intensity of our reaction still tells us something. It's still worth examining.
And maybe - just maybe - learning to appreciate different tones and deliveries isn't just about tolerating others. Maybe it's about giving ourselves permission to show up more fully, more authentically, even if our tone isn't perfect.
Even if we sound like an arrogant know-it-all sometimes.
Even if we're still figuring it out.
Because we're all still figuring it out.
If you haven’t listened yet, here are some links to make it easy:
Statistically Screwed - YouTube
Statistically Screwed - Spotify
Tone It Down, Heifer - YouTube
Tone It Down, Heifer - Spotify
What about you? Is there someone whose tone drives you up the wall? Have you ever caught yourself sounding exactly like someone who annoys you? Drop a comment below - I'd love to hear your mirror moments.
Cover Credit: Photo by Amanda Kerr on Unsplash
