Don't Tell Me What to Do: A PDA Person's Guide to Doing It Anyway (Sometimes)

"You should probably update your website." (said to myself multiple times over the last month or so)
Immediately loses all motivation to update website

"Have you considered meal planning?"
Orders takeout for the next week out of spite

"You really need to exercise more."
Cancels gym membership

If you have Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), you know the struggle. Someone suggests something—even something you want to do, even something that would benefit you—and suddenly your brain puts up a wall of resistance so thick you couldn't climb it with a ladder and good intentions.

Welcome to the wonderful world of demand avoidance, where your nervous system treats helpful suggestions like personal attacks and your own to-do lists become the enemy. But let’s be real. It’s even more than that. It’s ANYTHING that feels like a demand. Even self-imposed.

Understanding the PDA Brain

PDA isn't about being stubborn or oppositional (though it definitely looks that way from the outside). It's about having a nervous system that perceives demands as threats to autonomy, which triggers a fight-or-flight response.

When someone tells you what to do—or even when you tell yourself what to do—your brain translates it as: "Your freedom is under attack. Resist at all costs."

Common PDA triggers:

• Direct instructions ("You need to...")

• Schedules and deadlines

• Expectations, even implied ones

• Being watched or monitored

• Time pressure

• Authority figures

• Your own to-do lists (yes, really)

The Self-Sabotage Spiral

The cruelest part of PDA is how it can make you avoid things you actually want to do. You might:

• Procrastinate on a creative project you're excited about because it's "on your list" (is your list as long as mine?)

• Avoid applying for a dream job because someone suggested you'd be perfect for it

• Stop doing a hobby you love because it became "expected" of you (the very reason I stopped sewing for others after I had the brilliant idea of making money off of it. Sales through the roof…motivation ZERO.)

• Rebel against your own goals because they start to feel like demands

It's like having an internal teenager who's determined to prove that nobody can make them do anything, even when "nobody" is yourself.

Strategies That Actually Work

The key to working with PDA isn't to eliminate the resistance—it's to trick your nervous system into not perceiving things as demands in the first place.

1. Reframe Everything as Choices

Instead of: "I need to clean my room"
Try: "I could clean my room, or I could organize my bookshelf, or I could sort through that drawer"

Instead of: "I have to exercise"
Try: "I wonder what my body wants to do today"

The goal is to maintain the feeling of autonomy even when you're doing necessary things.

2. Use Collaborative Language with Yourself

Instead of commanding yourself, become your own consultant:

• "What if we tried..." instead of "I should..."

• "I wonder what would happen if..." instead of "I need to..."

• "It might be interesting to..." instead of "I have to..."

This linguistic shift can completely change how your nervous system responds to the same action.

3. The Stealth Approach

Sometimes you have to sneak up on your own resistance:

• Don't put things on official to-do lists—keep them in your head or disguise them as "ideas I might explore"

  • Personally, I keep a running “to do” list that I get to pick and choose from depending on my mood. Everything from creative endeavors to cleaning tasks. This way there are a variety of choices at any given time.

• Start tasks "just for five minutes" or "just to see what's involved"

• Frame actions as experiments rather than commitments

• Do things "by accident" while doing something else

4. Embrace Productive Procrastination

Use your avoidance powers for good:

• Avoid cleaning your room by organizing your digital files

• Avoid your main project by working on a different important project

• Avoid exercise by doing yard work or dancing to music

Sometimes the best way to get things done is to make them the thing you do to avoid doing something else.

5. Remove External Pressure

Eliminate as many external demands as possible:

• Don't tell people about your goals until after you've achieved them

• Avoid accountability partners (they often backfire with PDA)

• Choose flexible deadlines when possible

• Work in private spaces where you won't be observed

6. The Permission Approach

Give yourself explicit permission to:

• Change your mind at any time

• Do things imperfectly

• Stop whenever you want

• Take breaks without justification

• Approach tasks in whatever order feels right

7. Identity-Based Motivation

Frame actions around identity rather than demands:

• "I'm the kind of person who takes care of their space" vs. "I need to clean"

• "I enjoy exploring new ideas" vs. "I should learn this skill"

• "I value my health" vs. "I have to eat better"

When something aligns with your identity rather than coming from external pressure, resistance often melts away.

Working with Others

PDA can make relationships challenging, especially when well-meaning people don't understand your wiring.

Communication Strategies

Educate your inner circle: Help important people understand that your resistance isn't personal—it's neurological.

Request specific language: Ask people to phrase things as suggestions or observations rather than directives.

Set boundaries: It's okay to tell people that unsolicited advice triggers your stress response.

Find your advocates: Surround yourself with people who understand and work with your PDA rather than against it.

In Professional Settings

• Negotiate flexible arrangements where possible

• Focus on outcomes rather than processes when discussing work with managers

• Volunteer for tasks rather than waiting to be assigned them

• Create your own systems for tracking progress that don't feel like external monitoring

The Paradox of Self-Awareness

Here's a fun PDA paradox: once you understand your patterns, you might start avoiding the very strategies that help you because someone (even yourself) "told you" to use them.

If this happens:

• Remember that strategies are tools, not rules

• Give yourself permission to modify or abandon any approach

• Focus on the underlying principle (maintaining autonomy) rather than specific techniques

• Treat everything as an experiment you can opt out of

Reframing Your Resistance

Remember, your demand avoidance is a protective mechanism that's trying to preserve your sense of agency. In a world that's full of people trying to control your behavior, having a strong resistance to external control can actually be adaptive.

The goal is to redirect your resistance toward things that truly don't serve you while finding ways to do the things that do.

Questions for Reflection

• What demands trigger your strongest resistance?

• When do you feel most autonomous and free to choose?

• How might you reframe necessary tasks as choices rather than obligations?

• What would you do if nobody was watching or had opinions about it?

The Bottom Line

Living with PDA means becoming a master of psychological aikido—redirecting the force of your own resistance rather than fighting against it. It means learning to work with your nervous system's fierce protection of your autonomy instead of trying to override it.

Your resistance isn't something to overcome—it's something to understand, respect, and cleverly navigate around.

And sometimes, the most rebellious thing you can do is exactly what you want to do, regardless of who suggested it.

What strategies have you discovered for working with your own demand avoidance? What approaches have backfired spectacularly?

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About the Author
Gal is an autistic artist, late-diagnosed at 49, and the creator of AuRTistic Expressions—a space where neurodivergent truth meets creative survival. Through blog posts, printables, courses, and the “This Might Get Messy” podcast, Gal explores what it means to unmask safely, communicate authentically, and make art that doesn’t ask for permission. Stick around—there’s plenty more where this came from.

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Illustration by Gilang Fahmi on Unsplash