What If This IS The Work? Redefining Productivity Beyond Spreadsheets

Today, I sat on my porch for over three hours — smoking filthy cigarettes, drinking Red Bull, knowing I would be judged, juried, and convicted for sharing those details. I got lost in time, having virtual conversations with people I’ve never met, in places I’ve never been. Commenting on Medium articles (one in particular that made me stop and think). Responding to Instagram and Facebook posts. Connecting in ways I’m very uncomfortable connecting.

Connecting at all is uncomfortable for me. Because I’m scared. And weird.

And spent a lifetime working for and learning from the man. Doing exceptionally well at high performance and productivity, and “doing all the work.” As my boss liked to frame it. As a compliment. While bullying me into submission. While I allowed her to.

I digress.

And then — out of the blue — my son texted me. He wanted to share a book idea. We went back and forth, dreaming and reflecting, pulling inspiration from our lived experiences, our relationships, YouTube videos, tossing ideas like softballs, just… existing in creativity together.

And somewhere in that messy, unstructured space I started thinking about productivity. About how I’ve been taught — through life, through (expensive) coaching, classes, corporate culture, and bite-sized Instagram advice — that days like this are “filler.” Procrastination. Excuses. Wasted time.

But what if they’re wrong?

What if this is productivity?

I looked up the definition. I do that a lot. Because I like to learn.

Productivity — the effectiveness of productive effort, especially in industry, as measured in terms of the rate of output per unit of input.

And I thought: Who defines “output”? Who defines “input”? Is a spreadsheet more valuable than a conversation with my son? Is a content calendar more productive than real connection?

So, maybe today wasn’t about industry. Maybe it was about humanity. And maybe that’s the kind of productivity the world’s too greedy to recognize.

And what if — just what if — the way I’m defining productivity today… the beautiful and uncomfortable conversations, the cigarette breaks, the stillness, and the sparks, what if this is the soil from which tomorrow’s so-called “success” grows?

Would it matter then? Or does it only matter once it looks good on a spreadsheet?

And so, I took a shower, and I thought some more. About things. Life. What I’m getting wrong. What I’m getting right.

I’m autistic. I was diagnosed late. I spent most of my life thinking I was wrong for how I process, how I communicate — or don’t, how I learn, how I exist.

And now — I’m starting a business. I’m reading and trying to absorb every piece of free information I can find, because I’m autistic, because I’ve never run a business before, because I have zero clue what I’m doing, because I need to pay bills, because I want to help people. To learn. To grow. To figure out how to communicate. To build something that makes room for people like me.

For people not like me. Because we’re already too divided.

I have a long, overwhelming list of “shoulds” — things I should be doing for my website launch, things I should be doing to grow my business.

And yet… this is where I landed today. This is what I ended up doing.

Was it harmful or helpful? Productive or filler?

Maybe the real question isn’t whether it was useful by someone else’s standards. Maybe the real question is whether it helped me grow into a human being who can keep going.

Maybe days like today are the work. Maybe this is growth. Maybe learning how to be more human — on our own terms — is the most radical kind of productivity there is.

Or maybe I’m just too philosophical. Maybe I am too much for this world.

But if that’s true… I hope I never, ever become less. This is the work, after all.